


war of the roses

by superqueersuperhero



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Conspiracy Theories, Gen, a reverse princess diaries AU, author is antimonarchist but also enjoys european royalty for the drama, i just wanted to call the fic that, there's no war in this, too many revolution references, yes i just invented that concept
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 09:50:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19196452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superqueersuperhero/pseuds/superqueersuperhero
Summary: the roses are the (former) royalty of a small european country





	war of the roses

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to wardowedidit, who helped me brainstorm this on twitter

David looked up from his phone.  
  
“Oh my god,” he said to the empty room. “Oh my god.” He tried to get up but got caught in the drapes at each corner of his four poster. He batted them aside, flailing for a moment. He ran into Alexis on the stairs outside his room. Her wide eyes and tight grasp on her phone made it clear that she had seen the news.  
  
“Oh my god, David, what’s going on? This has to be fake. Like the time the tabloids said that you slept with both the king and queen of [made up european country].” David made a face that attempted to communicate a. the tabloids were in fact correct and b. he did not appreciate that being brought up now. It obviously wasn’t the reaction she wanted because she continued. “Is this going to be like Anastasia? I'm going to have to sneak aboard a third class train to Paris disguised as a peasant.”

“The rest of the family in Anastasia gets murdered! In a ditch, Alexis!”

“Ew, David!” Anything else Alexis is about to say is interrupted by their mother’s screaming.

“They will have to guillotine me here because I shan’t move a muscle!” Presumably Johnny says something placating in response, but it can’t be heard through two stories of marble in the same way that Moira’s voice can. “They can take the crown jewels over my dead body, John! Have I not earned them?!” The two of them shared a look and then hurried down the stairs. As they headed down the stairs, David replied to Alexis,

“What kind of sociopath abandons her family to be murdered by poorly dressed revolutionaries?” He was, as always, patently unwilling to let anything go.

 

* * *

  
The four of them were squeezed onto a couch in one of the ballrooms, the one with the house of mirrors. The gilded mirrors reflected their near identical expressions of horror, and the side angle made their reflections look distorted and warped.  
Across from them was one of the crown-government liaisons, that were always floating around, insisting they attend events and stop making comments about their yachts publicly. He was holding a sheaf of papers and opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Moira cut in.

“Is our fate written there? Stabbing? Life imprisonment?” Without pause she continued. “Well, don’t just stand there, out with it.”

“I think he’s trying to, Moira.”

“Can you imagine this,” David gestured to himself, “in prison?”

“Oh my god, David, prison isn’t that bad. I spent two weeks in Austrian prison once. There was a golf course.”

“You what?” Johnny burst out.

“Your, um, Your Majesties. We should really go over this legislation. The monarchy is abolished and all properties of the Genovian government are returned--”  
  
“Well, when is this effective?” Johnny interrupted. “Surely, there will be a grace period.”  
  
“This bill is effective immediately,” the liaison answered.  
  
“Oh John, how could they do this to us? We were beloved of the people.”  
  
“Yes, surely we would have received some kind of word or advance warning that the parliament was considering something like this.”  
  
“Well, anti-monarchy sentiment has been building for a while. Years I would say.”  
  
“Why on earth would they betray us in this way? What have we done? Even as we speak, a mob marches on Versailles, ready to mount the guard’s heads on pikes.” She indicated the guard, a fixture in almost every corner of the palace. “Thank you for your sacrifice…..” She trailed off, realizing she didn’t know his name, or in fact the names of any of the guards.  
  
“Apparently,” the liaison said, answering her question from the beginning of the diatribe. “The people feel as though you are out of touch, and that there are certain…...excesses.”  
  
“Nonsense! If we are out of touch, it is only because it is what the job demands, and what a thankless job it is.”  
  
“There has to be something we can do,” Johnny turned back to the liaison. “A gesture. Vacate one of the estates, turn it into a museum.”  
  
“My vote is for the hunting lodge. All those boar heads and antlers, truly nightmarish interior design.” David grimaced.  
  
“I don’t think that is going to cut it. The bill--” Moira interrupted the liaison again,  
  
“Something bigger then. Oh, what about royal nuptials? It worked for William and Kate. Surely we can find someone willing to marry one of our children.”  
  
“Eww no, it’s not the middle ages,” Alexis complained, while David rolled his eyes, a full body movement in this case.  
  
“What about Harry?” Moira persisted, “You won’t stop boasting about seeing him.”  
  
“I am not boasting, first of all. And our relationship was a secret anyways. We couldn’t let the Queen find out.”  
  
“Ah, yes, wouldn’t want you to go the same way as Diana, now would we?”  
  
“Oh my god.” David regretted his reaction when his mother turned to him.  
  
“And what about you, David? Gay marriage is legal, so you can marry anyone.”  
  
“I’m not going to do that.”  
  
“He’s just sad because no one is willing to marry him,” Alexis cut in.  
  
“Better than being Prince Harry’s dirty little secret.”  
  
“David, I just said that it was only a secret so the queen didn’t find out. Do you want me to die in a car accident in some freaky tunnel? Is that what you want, David?”  
  
“Kids. Moira. Let’s hear the rest.”  
  
The liaison cleared his throat, as if giving any member of the family an opportunity to interrupt him, before continuing, “Effective now, you lose your titles, estates, and any belongings that are actually property of the state. You will be allowed to collect your personal belongings. There is a very small amount set aside for you and one property that you will be allowed to retain.”  
  
“Please say the ski chalet.”  
  
“Alexis, don’t be selfish, obviously the downtown penthouse would be better.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is a one-shot but i might add to it if people like the concept (i have a whole plot jotted down somewhere), feel free to come talk to me on twitter at @sandersgreysage


End file.
